THIS is my 100th post. So I want it to be EPIC. And if this post isn't epic, I hope it is at least honest.
In my honesty, I want to write a short but very real post about my life right now. It's from my heart, and I'm trying to be better at putting things into words.
I do not enjoy my life in Grenada. I am depressed.
When I say depressed I don't mean sad. I don't mean "boo hoo this is hard!!" I mean depressed.
I mean I feel like I am in a long dark tunnel and I can't see the light looking backwards or forwards. I'm not a public person, so this is hard for me to say.
When I packed up my life to move to Grenada I knew med school would be tough. I heard a morning radio show joke that there is the wife that gets you through med school, then the wife that is with you when you are *finally* a doctor. I didn't think it was a very good joke.
But the truth is that even though I knew this experience would be tough, I didn't understand the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg that would tear through and slowly sink this Titanic.
I say that in part to be dramatic and silly, but also in total truth. Never in my wildest dreams could I have begun to imagine the daily pain, despair and hopelessness that weighs heavy in my chest. It's incomprehensible, even to me.
It's a daily battle for me. I wake up and I try my best. But the thing is, this is so hard to beat. I don't feel ready nor able to go into the details right now. This is hard enough for me. In general, I feel like life has slowly drained from my body. I feel like a shell of a human.
I can't say much, but I can say that I don't want sympathy. I don't need people telling me what to do, or how "things will get better," or "its almost over," or my favorite, "it will all be worth it in the end." If you truly know me, you know why.
One reason being, these are all band-aids. They are things that have been said a hundred times, and will be said thousands more. Maybe it gives hope to some people, but it is pretty meaningless to me. Remember? I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It discounts me, it says that my situation is a dime a dozen, and that I should just "get over it, and be happy." And trust me, I wish it was that simple.
Hey Kristen.
ReplyDeleteFirst I want to say that I admire your honesty extremely. It is hard to be so open on a public forum such as a blog because you really have no idea how people will react to what you are writing.
Second I want to say that even though I cannot imagine how you are feeling, I want you to know that it has been very hard for me in my own way as well. There have been so many setbacks and roadblocks in our way that have been extremely frustrating. I don't want you to feel like you are alone in struggling even if our struggles/trials are a bit different. Sometimes when I think about how long of a road we still have ahead of us, my heart just feels heavy and like you said, it is tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know you meant this description in a different way, but please know that you are not alone.
Depression is real. It's suffocating and isolating. I experienced it a bit when I lived at home in my teen years (mostly due to some family issues going on that were tough to deal with), so I do know what this can feel like. Even now (many years later) as I am attempting to bounce back from having a baby and my hormones are doing crazy things... combined with the major sleep deprivation some days can be very dark and it reminds me a bit of those days at home where nothing felt good and I did not feel like there was much to look forward to. The difference for me, however, is that it doesn't last for more than a day or two before my attitude and outlook starts to look/feel better. I know that this is just more of the 'baby blues' or a hard day or two more than anything else.
Please, if you have not, get some help. I do realize resources are limited where you are, but I have been to psychological services on campus (for something unrelated) and I was impressed with their staff there. It may seem like they can't possibly help you, but I know first hand that some of the treatments for depression can be very healing.
Also, if you ever need anyone to talk to or hang out with (when we get back), I would LOVE to be that for you. I really enjoy your company and think you are a very funny person. I hope we can get to know each other better this next term and hopefully things can start to feel/look better eventually for you maybe when you find something that helps. Message me if you want. :) You have so many people who care about you in Grenada and would love to help out.