Quote Wednesday? At a Time Like This?!

My life is just a little bit bizarre right now.

But that isn't out of the norm. The main reason I started and kept this blog so well (if I do say so myself) for so long was that I wanted to document things. I wanted my (almost) full range of emotions to be stored in a public space forever. Okay, so maybe not those last couple of things but yeah to the rest. It's nice to look back and not actually have to re-live so many of those moments again. It's like eating a Costco teriyaki bowl but someone took out those disgusting green beans (gag).

I'm currently staying with some friends who have only known me post-Grenada and post-California days. It's been fun to hang out and talk more. Grenada typically comes up and because it is such a strange and foreign thing- I jumped on the blog to show some pictures. Of course that led me to the rabbit hole of Grenada posts. Many many Grenada posts about so many things. I'm so happy I took all that time to document those strange tales and feelings. It reminds me that life is simultaneously lemons AND lemonade. It's not bad then good. Ugly then pretty. It's just life.

Ross and I have been racing around almost non-stop since March. Every weekend (and some weeks) we have been flying and driving all over. Life is locomotion. And I can't stop thinking that. Maybe because of this quote:

"Life is locomotion. If you're not moving you're not living. But there comes a time when you've got to stop running away from things and you've got to start running towards something. You've got to forge ahead. Keep moving. Even if your path isn't lit. Trust that you'll find your way." 

It's late and I'm not particularly interested in addressing the bits that call me out for running away from my problems #tooreal, but I love the quote. And that seems to be my style. I've gotten pretty good a forging ahead. Forging isn't a nice cute clear cut path. It's messy. It's chaotic. It's often rushed. But it implies importance and intention. And I like that. In life, sometimes it is all you can do to keep moving. Even when it is the hardest thing to do. Even when the path isn't lit. Because we just have to trust that we will find our way. Sometimes we find the way, sometimes we just keep forging. Maybe life isn't locomotion. Maybe we don't have any destinations.... but rather constant motion in a positive direction.

Back on the Bus

Tonight Ross left in a rush and forgot his ID badge. It's not the end of the world, but I figured it would make his life a lot easier if he had it.

So....

Back on the bus.

The bus gives you lots of good ideas for science projects. Mostly involving Petri dishes. 

Just when I thought my bus days were over for good.

But it was an easy trip and a pretty night.

On the way home I let this guy use my phone to make some calls to his wife. He had a pay as you go phone. Out of minutes and confused by how to access his voicemail, I figured it wasn't a big deal to me.

Maybe letting a stranger borrow my phone wasn't the safest move. But on the hour long ride home I thought about it. Does it really matter? IF he decided to make a break for it and steal it, I'd be out a phone.

And...

Nothing else. My photos are backed up. I don't have any sensitive information on there. And I could get my own pay as you go phone. I'm getting sick of stuff. Stuff is just stuff remember? Instead of thinking of my stuff- for some crazy reason- I decided to trust a stranger, who need the help.
Why? Maybe because I still believe in the humans in humanity, or at least want to. Maybe because I have been there before, many times. In need of a phone and also just in need of help and at the mercy of strangers.

It wasn't altruistic. I hope it was just human.

Charity and Choice

Last night as Ross and I were exiting the supermarket, we saw a guy who timidly asked us for "Anything, I'm just a couple bucks short."

I really have no rhyme or reason when it comes to panhandlers. Sometimes I give "generously" sometimes I give just a couple coins. Other times I might clearly say, "No, sorry," and other days I might ignore them all together and pretend they don't exist when they petition me. But for whatever reason, Ross and I each pulled out a dollar and gave it to him. I think it's a natural curiosity to wonder where he was going with it and we subconsciously watched him as we walked to our car. He walked at first then the closer he got out of the parking lot and to the road, he began running.

I joked to Ross about how creepy it would be if we followed him. Then we had a conversation on the way home about the situation.

In life, people want validation for their actions. When I make dinner I want Ross to thank me and say it is delicious. When I clean the house I want Ross to notice and say something. But when I do those things I benefit just as much as he does, so it isn't a big deal. When it comes to charity things are a little different. I see two groups of people. People who don't give, and rationalize their behavior about how they don't know where the money is going and express their doubts that the beneficiary will do something wrong with the money. OR people who give and talk about how they have changed the world and fed a family for the night, or helped someone put some gas in their car, or have heat for the night.

But I think both of those ideas of thinking are wrong. I have an ever growing list of things that are, "Not my job." And this is one. Because it isn't my job to worry about what he does with that money. Maybe he used it to buy $2 worth of drugs, or feed his little dog. I shouldn't care.

People have agency. And they will have agency whether they get two dollars after 12 hours of begging outside the store, or whether they steal it- they are free to make whatever choices they want. Just as I am free to give him the money or not. Ross said something like, " You can't worry about what they do, you can only worry about what you should be doing."

One of my favorite professors in college (who coincidentally is the uncle of one of my Grenada friends) said that his father had a motto, "Give until it hurts." This man always tried to do a great amount of good, constantly giving and helping others. But he became concerned that he wasn't doing enough because, "It didn't hurt yet."

I thought of how it is to feel the sting of giving up that two dollars. Being in med school and living off my salary is tough and we are constantly pinching pennies. I could have used that money to buy a loaf of bread, a bus trip, a dozen eggs, six bunches of cilantro, or even something as frivolous as a couple candy bars. I could have put that money to good use! But when it comes down to it, I doesn't hurt. And that means my life is pretty damn good.

Just Bus Stuff

This morning (note: not a resolution for 2015) I tried to be grateful. I'm only a little embarrassed to say I'm not particularly good at being grateful these past couple (read: medical school) years. But this morning I was grateful, and not because a miracle blessing happened, but the opposite. 

I didn't get on the bus today. It was my planned mode of transportation to work but didn't happen. I wasn't late for the bus and I don't even know if the bus never came. 

I was on time to the bus stop, and I waited twenty minutes which, in case you are wondering feels like a small eternity when your hair is damp and you are heavy-jacket-less.  I waited as I slowly got hypothermia and debated when was an appropriate time to give up and start the goggle maps deemed 53 minute walk (soon to be 40 minute speed walk/ interval jog) to work. 

I didn't complain about the fact that I had three bags to carry (one of course being a classy plastic grocery bag). Why? Because one of those extra bags had my workout clothes and a pair of running shoes! I was grateful I had my comfy shoes with me so I wouldn't have to add time by going back to the apartment. 

I didn't complain about the walk. It was stressful and left my heart racing, but I was grateful I made it. I am grateful that I have a job to go to everyday. I am grateful I have two, albeit stumpy, legs that I can use to get me there. 

I was a sight to see- business casual with running shoes, hauling plastic bags, speed walking like a mad woman. But I was grateful I had nice clothes to work in. Walking through a semi-trashy part of town will give you that perspective. Also, I'm grateful my home doesn't have cheap astro-turf with dog turds all over it.

But seriously. 

The thing I found myself most grateful for, was perhaps the most peculiar of all... I was grateful I had a car. Because even though the lack of car was what got me in this situation in the first place, Ross gets to drive our car (paid for by the job I walk to, interestingly enough) to school.

It made me laugh to see everyone, toasty in their cars, scowl as they drove around. It made me think of how easy it is to get comfortable with what we have. A car that gets you there in 7 minutes? Or a walk that takes close to an hour? I have so much to be grateful for. 

Music Mondays #14: Secrets

Music Mondays are becoming my favorite part of my blog because I can ramble and consider it an update on my life.

Now I have Sirius xm Radio in my car, I have exposure to lots of new music, and of course now I can listen to the Pilion station and bug the crap out of Ross. Definitely a plus. I heard "Secrets" by Mary Lambert and I first I was mostly weird'd out and turned off. After a quick comment about it to my mom, who I thought would agree with me, she just said, "Yes, it is interesting."

I took that cue to look it up and take a closer listen, after which, I decided that I really liked it.

-May Lambert- Secrets (ft. B.o.B.) (Warning: One or two swears)

I honestly haven't listened to much of her other music, but I like that because it makes this Music Monday different from others.

The song is a list of a bunch of her secrets with the catchy refrain:

"They tell us from the time we're young, to hide the things that we don't like about ourselves,
Inside ourselves,
I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else,
Well, I'm over it."

It's alarmingly true. We keep all these secrets inside and social media helps us highlight all the highs and bests in our lives. Lambert's song is filled with funny, odd, sad, and interesting "secrets." The song got me thinking of some of my own secrets that I could share with the world my blog readers. I think secrets are sometimes just weird things about ourselves that you'd die if someone found out about. So don't worry, this isn't a blog post that'll make you feel awkward for reading it. You won't have to reevaluate our friendship or call me up to make sure I'm stable. Although, you can if you want.

Secret #1

Growing up I kinda hated on women who were all "stay at home mom and love it!!!!!" Cos I felt like they had no personality or goals. But now, I really want that for myself. Not the mom thing. Just the stay at home thing. But instead of raising the next generation, managing a household, and otherwise being supermom, I'll sit around and binge watch every episode of anything on Netflix. Take that for personality and life goals! (Future Employers: Totally a joke! ... Hire me please?) 

Secret #2

I hate that my hair is turning darker now I'm not constantly in the sun. I've always been a kinda "all natural embrace your color" kinda girl. But now, and not so secretly now, I wish I had the money to get it dyed to how it was a few months ago. 

Secret #3

You guys, I loved Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball. I loved it like a secret chocolate cake at a Weight Watchers meeting. Because I knew it was bad for me, and I knew I shouldn't, but I did. Ooooohh, I did. I'm not one for pop music and I've never listened to Miley's music other than the first few seconds of a song before I changed the radio station. So this caught me totally off guard but ... This was a "listen on repeat" thing for like, at least a few weeks.

That was liberating. As Mary sings,

"I don't care if the world knows what my secrets are, secrets are (x2)

So what."

So what are your secrets that you don't care if the world knows about?

Piolín

Piolín

QW #22: Homemade Happiness Extract

I'll be the first to admit that "happiness" tends to elude me. In this time of transition (again) in my life, it seems like so many things are continually going wrong in a world of perpetual "hiccups." 

That's why, when perusing my favorites quotes, I decided right away this was a good one to write on today. 

"The art of being happy lies in the power of extracting happiness from common things." -Henry Ward Beecher

When I got thinking about this quote, it occurred to me that happiness can be found in moments. In the roller coaster world in which we live, it's perfectly okay to be happy one moment, then not the next. I think we fool ourselves into thinking that happiness is a status we must achieve and maintain for "x" amount of days before it fully counts. You have to be a happy person, or a happy family, or be happy with your job, or whatever.

That's a silly way to think. 

I like to think of happy moments. Little rays of sunshine in what can sometimes be a gloomy day.

As I've been unpacking and getting settled in a new apartment I've been doing a lot of arranging and rearranging and configuring and re-configuring. As I sat back the other day to look at this spot I couldn't help but feel very pleased with myself. This little spot in my new home made me feel so happy! I remember thinking what a dumb and little thing it was, but everything about it just brought a smile to my face.

This ray of sunshine is my small dinning room. It sounds a little too formal for an area outfitted in a borrowed card table and folding chairs but that's exactly what it is. Blue and yellow has to be my favorite color combination since the beginning of time, and sunflowers are my favorite flower. So it makes sense why this little eating area makes me so happy.  I took common things and with my creativity, I set up this spot. I love the way the sun comes in during the day and lights up the room (which you can't see because otherwise the photo would be backlit). 

My absolute favorite part of this room isn't the striking color combo, nor the sunflowers.

It's the tablecloth.

Now, a tablecloth would usually meet Beecher's "common" requirement. But this isn't any old tablecloth. My mom made this tablecloth for me. And although you can't see the intricate stitching and detailing, believe me that it took my mom hours, weeks, and months to make this for me. I see it multiple times a day and I think of all the love (and maybe secretly a little frustration) she poured into creating it just for me.

And that makes me really very happy. 

I don't think that I'll ever win the lottery (no mind that I don't play the lottery...). I don't think I'll ever strike it rich or make it big. But for now I can work on extracting happiness from common things in my life. Because that's a start that's good enough for me. 

Music Monday #11: Somewhere in the Between

With the amount of chaos that my life is currently engulfed in, I feel like I am taking it pretty well. I thought moving to Grenada warranted a freak-out but now that looks like cake.

With all the stress in my life right now I try to take things one day at a time, and at least have confidence that I have a blanket to sleep on the street with, legs to walk at least a few miles a day if necessary, and my best friend who I only occasionally want to strangle (...jokes!).

But every once in a while I just break down. I'm pretty calm and confident on the outside but sometimes it just all builds up and comes crashing down in a magnificently ugly sob-cry phone call home. This whole road is sloppily paved (Grenada-"paved") with new rock-bottoms and new heartbreaks. Just when you think it can't get worse, can't get tighter, BOOM -surprise!- it does.

Let me introduce you to the head smashing tunes of Streetlight Manifesto. They aren't for everyone. Even the lyrics themselves can be a bit ... melancholy. When I listen to them around my parents they affectionately refer to them as ska/ punk-rock on drugs. Which, means a lot coming from their generation. So listen at your own discretion.

Today I refer us to the song that is the namesake for this particular album, "Somewhere in the Between."

It's always been one of my favorites and today, in a first in Music Monday history, I had the chance to discuss it with Ross. My life is a lot of Somewheres in the Betweens, I don't know where I will be tomorrow, I don't know where I will be living next week.

The whole song is a reflection on life or the "somewhere in the between" (between birth and death).

The song starts:

"You were gone when we found you. You were practically surrounded, you were trapped. But the opposition stalled, their blood ran cold. When they saw the look of love in your eyes."

Ross and I had different ideas when we read this part. I had always thought "gone" was metaphorical. I sort of took it to mean emotionally "gone." Perhaps distant or depressed, especially in reference to the next feeling of being surrounded and trapped. Ross took it to mean physically gone, being dead. I think that makes sense. I like it. Either way, the main point of this verse is the last line. The love in this individual's eyes is so powerful that even the opposition is stalled. Throughout his whole life, good and bad, it's summarize by an expression of love.

The next verse reflects on the journey of life. I love the optimism. It's real optimism that isn't overpowering or corny. To me it feels authentic, like someone is coming to the conclusion right now as they are thinking about it. Scratching their chin and shrugging a little.

"Maybe the times we had, they weren't that bad. And everything else was part of the plan."

I'm not going to go through every lyric of the song. I thought discussing this with Ross would clear things up, but it only opened up more room for interpretation, so I will do the same for you.
When this chorus is repeated the words change a little bit.

"Maybe the times we had, they weren't that bad. And everything else was part of our path."

Whether it is plan/ or path I like the way he expresses his feelings about the negative parts of life. Let's admit it, life kinda sucks sometimes. But, with the perspective that the afterlife could give us, will we just look back, shrug and say "Yep, we needed those parts too"?

"So you were born and that was a good day. Someday you'll die and that is a shame. But somewhere in the between was a life of which we all dream. And nothing and no one will ever take that away"

The last line gives a feeling of ownership. Your life is yours and yours alone. No one can live it for you, claim it for you, take it away from you. I haven't been thinking that my life is something of which I've dreamed about, but I hope someday soon I can have a little more perspective.

The whole song is a celebration of life. Life is not a phase or a step. It's important and you need to make the most of it. There will be bad times. Like when you are out of money and expected to move to a new city. But there are also good times. Like eating pizza with your best friends while talking about Adventure Time.

Life isn't a waiting room where we lazily leaf through out-dated magazines and wait to be called to our afterlife appointment.

"And someday soon my friends. This ride will come to an end. But we can't just get in line again."

This is it folks! Our one and only ride. No fast passes but also no re-dos. Make it count. 

P.s. Check out the symbolism in this sweet album cover art!

Life in the Fishbowl

From the social media level, one might think that life in Grenada is FAN-freaking-TASTIC!! Pina coladas, girls nights, hanging by the pool, walks along the beach, beautiful sunsets.

And that can be true, but like anything posted on social media there is a deeper darker side of the Grenada Experience. It's one that is only talked about in the depths and secrecy of your own soul, maybe a one-on-one with your closest friend. Maybe midnight tears with your mom on the phone, stolen texts to your BFF.



I'm not convinced that everyone feels this way, but if I thought I was the only soul on this island that felt this way, I wouldn't be writing this. 

The thing about the Grenada Experience,

is that we live in a fish bowl.

With the added "benefit" of all forms of social media, everyone (every SO) can see every angle and detail if your life, or the ones we choose to share anyways.

When I first got to Grenada I was overwhelmed with how friendly the SOs (Significant Others) were. It felt like I was entering a new family of friends that I just hadn't met yet. But like all shiny things in life, that faded. I realized an important ugly truth in life:

Everything I needed to know about life, I learned in High School.

I'm not talking about the Pythagorean Theorem. I am not talking about a plethora of literary devices. I'm not talking about the dates of important historic events.

I'm talking about the fact that cliques and drama will always be present. The uglier truth is that on a tiny island you CANNOT. ESCAPE. IT.

It can be terribly depressing and frustrating. You can feel alienated and alone.



It has puzzled me. Instead of lifting one another up and commiserating together, it can feel very dog eat dog down here. Sorry for the cannibalistic deserted island stereotype. #notsorry

Maybe this is what "true" married life is like. A huge contest of who is the best wife. 

Who's losing their baby weight the quickest, who's having the most adventures, who's husband is the smartest, who's swimsuit is cutest, who's getting better deals at the corner fruit stand, who's baking the best celebration dessert.

One of the best things anyone ever told me was, "Kristen, it's not a contest." 

You know why that is great advice? Because it's NOT a contest. We're not comparing (or the point is, we shouldn't be).

Part Two of this ever-growing post is called:

"No Place for an Introvert."

Life and friendship in Grenada is a constant and concerted effort to make and maintain friendships. Because the pond from which to fish for friends is so small, friendships can tend to be awkward and forced. Take a second to imagine what a nightmare this would be for an introvert like myself. If you don't edge your way into a clique right off the bat, you have to spend the next two years floating in the ether.

What is worse, you are absolutely replaceable. Said "pond" is depleted and replenished every term. New SOs enter for a swim and others dry off and leave. A new SO comes in that has kids more your age or more of an interest in babysitting? Replaced. A new SO comes in that likes the same team as your hubby? Replaced. A new SO comes in that has a car and is liberal with rides? Replaced. You couldn't make it to the girl's night? Replaced. You don't like to gossip? Replaced.



The concept is simple enough. And it wouldn't even be a big deal except, as mentioned, you cannot escape people on this island. If you have a falling out with someone, if you are involved in shunning or drama, you get to "bump" into them everywhere. You'll get to hear about all the adventures everyone is having. You'll get to hear about how authentic and genuine everyone is.



Replaced. 

So there is your S.O. warning. It's not much different from life in general.
You take things for what they are, and just try to be the best person you can be.

Just Thoughts

Today has been a bit if a melancholy day. My parents and sister headed back to the states after their week long vacation here in Grenada. Now I'm sitting here feeling a mix of emotions. 

I was really sad to see them leave, of course. They were barely here 6 days which is simply not enough. I mean, one can never have enough time to relax and snorkel or stare out at the beautiful sea. There was so much more to do.

I was also sad to see them go for more selfish reasons, like needing their unconditional love a friendship so close by. Their sweet hotel and rental car were nice perks too! ;) 

After Ross and I dropped them off for their early flight we headed back to the hotel to chill out and nap until we could check out for them. After a nap I wandered out to their kitchen that opens out to the gorgeous Grand Anse beach. Like an old timer reminiscing the good ol' days, I rocked on the porch and stared out at the rolling waves. 

My life is a bit nuts. And when I have these perfect moments in my imperfect life, it really hits me. Perfect moments like sitting next to Ross, munching on leftover (amazing) Dove chocolate ice cream bars, staring at that gorgeous blue water; I realize how dang lucky I am. 

Blessed, lucky, fortunate, call it whatever, but it's all mine. 

• A family that will literally travel across half the globe to see me, saving money for dinners at Schnitzel Haus, sacrificing luggage space to bring me Samoas, jelly beans, and beef jerky. A family that near or far, where ever they are, will always be there for me. 
• A beautiful sea and white sand beach at my feet. 
• An amazing best friend and husband who every once in a while I get to hang out with. 

It's just crazy how much I miss them already. Two months ago it was "hang in there until mom and dad and Ali get here," and now they are gone, Ross and I are just kinda blown away at everything. Just less than 7 weeks and we are outta here for good.



I remember last year at this time, feeling so hopeless that I would never get off this rock. I remember two weeks ago feeling so hopeless that I would never get off this rock. And today it somehow feels so much more tangible. So much closer. With work picking up and packing up, I no longer take the time left lightly.

TED Talk Tuesdee: Synthetic Happiness

Being out of school and an er... intellectually challenging employment situation, it's not dramatic to say my brain is turning to mush. A few months ago I was digging through my hard drive to find a paper I wrote my final semester of college. When I read it I was super impressed, who is this woman and where is she?!

Blah.

But one small {free} thing I love to do is watch TED talks. They are really fun and engaging and you can learn something totally mind blowing, funny, interesting, fascinating, or confusing in less than a half hour.

Today my friend posted a TED talk on Facebook:

Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness

Being unenamored with happiness as of late, I decided that was reason enough to give it a watch. Also, this friend (although I've only hung out with him for about a week total) is one of the most positive, down-to-earth, and kind guys I know. That was another good reason. 

Go ahead and watch it now.

I am really glad I did. As I began this post I thought of all the posts I have written on the topic of happiness. From documentaries, to cute quotes, to specific ways I try to keep my chin up, I try to figure out how to be happy and stay happy. But these days, who doesn't?

Gilbert really delivers a fascinating talk, beginning with describing the 

Impact Bias: the tendency to overestimate the hedonic impact of future events

In layman's terms we call this "thinking too much and blowing things out of proportion." If you need it broken down even more, just think, "drama queen."

He discusses about how, "We think happiness is a thing to be found." When in fact, we can synthesize happiness from within.

Natural happiness is, "what we get when we get what we wanted."

Whereas synthetic happiness is "what we make when we don't get what we wanted." We as humans see this synthetic happiness as inferior.  I feel like, hey if you can manufacture happiness from within, that is pretty awesome! Additionally, we have evolved to have a prefrontal cortex, a whole section of our brain that can preform this function (as well as other important executive functions). 

He presents a series of fascinating studies and statistics to describe that freedom is a friend of natural happiness, but the enemy of synthetic happiness. This is because, "the psychological immune system works best when we are totally stuck. When we are trapped." 

This really floored me. When we are trapped is when we work best? You mean the months I have been trapped in Grenada have been my happiest? Well, when we are stuck, we find a way to be happy with what has happened. We make happiness.

This "psychological immune system," is,
"A system of cognitive processes,  largely non-conscious cognitive processes, that help them [humans] change their views of the world so that they can feel better about the worlds in which they find themselves"

Tell me you don't think that is fascinating! I am definitely not doing this talk justice, I hope you have watched it already, or that you will soon. Maybe I'm still a little data-struck and nerd overloaded.

But I will just end with his closing remarks, 

"When our ambition is bounded, it leads us to work joyfully, when our ambition is unbounded it leads us to lie to cheat to steal to hurt others, to sacrifice things of real value. When our fears are bounded we're prudent, we're cautious, we're thoughtful. When our fears are unbounded and overblown we are reckless and we are cowardly."

I have only about a half a million thoughts and examples of that.

"... our longings and our worries are both to some degree overblown because we have within us the capacity to manufacture the very commodity we are constantly chasing when we choose experience."

What commodity is that?

Happiness!

Low Battery: Change Battery Pack

As a society (read: Americans) I think we tend to take a lot of pictures. With social media running rampant, it is a must right?

A picture is worth a thousand words, they say; they said before Facebook ever existed.



Tonight I decided to go on a little walk to the close-by beach. Being a twenty-something in 2014, I took a photo capturing device.

 It was a short walk, but after a few beach shots I got that terrible, horrible, inevitable "low battery signal." The bane of the 21st Century.

A few more shots, and it was gone. "Change the battery pack."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I had to sit there on the beach surrounded by beauty, without having a single thing to show for it.



I sat in silence and just listened to the calm of the sea lapping against the sand. I watched the sky turn bight pink and light green. I saw the hues on the water, yellows, blues, I saw the last rays of sun play on the water. I saw the cliffs and houses turn to silhouettes. And I thought of how indescribable it all was.

We take pictures to share what we cannot describe in words.

I thought of how that is a lot like feelings. We cannot use words, but we want people to see us. We want people to understand us. We want to share so that, we don't feel so alone in this huge universe. Sometimes we get real close to accurately conveying it all. But a lot of times, it's hard with #nofilter.

That's my life right now #nofilter. This is all I got. And all I got is me. Here in Grenada, alone in my thoughts, with my battery running low. Daily, I feel like I won't make it. But I have these moments of perfect stillness in my unpredictable life where I have clarity. Moments where after the battery is dead, I still have lessons to learn. The sun will still set (beautifully) and rise again. Even if I have nothing to show for it.