$20

I try not to blog about money too much, because I feel it can just bring everyone down. But today I blog about it to commiserate, and have the opportunity to look up GIFs. This week financial issues have slowly piled up and it all came to a head today because of an oil change.

A $20 (because you know I used a coupon) oil change that I had not budgeted for.

Sometime in January I decided to give hardcore budgeting a try. I've always (and constantly) been mindful of the money in my life. I think that was just how I was raised and how I taught myself to be. I was working before I was even 16 and developed a way of thinking in terms of money. This toy is x amount of hours of work became these groceries are x amount of hours of work, and now it's things like rent and car insurance. Unfortunately, as my responsibilities have grown exponentially my (still) hourly wages have not.



So although I have always been pretty frugal, I thought I would hit the budget hardcore after being lackadaisical in previous months. My brother made this incredible excel workbook with all these neat and fancy functions and formulas. And utilizing that, I put in my expected monthly income and -very conservative budget projections.

I was over.



I took a second look and shaved off someone allowances in categories I thought could take it.

I was still over.

Getting increasingly frustrated, I continued this toxic tango until the projected budget lined up within about $3 of my expected income for the month. Disheartened at the extreme lack of wiggle room, I admitted defeat (about the only thing you can do), and wrote down some ideas for how to stay within the budget. You know, like NEVER eat, NEVER go to Target, NEVER use electricity.

Cool.



To say I have been diligent with the budget is a bit of an understatement. It's borderline anal-retentive. As the end of the month approaches I find myself holding my breath whenever I swipe my debit card and crunch the numbers in my worksheet, hoping that I can breathe when it is over instead of passing out.




Then you can imagine my surprise when Ross wanted to take the car in for an oil change TODAY. HELLO IT IS THE 27TH OF THE MONTH! WHOAREYOU?!



And on the inside I was like:




And I just kinda lost it. I have these moments in life- which is just life but I blame it on med school, where things pile up and I break. I break because I. CAN'T. DO. THIS. And I spend every day trying to squash that thought and tell myself I can. I can hold it together. I can make rent payments and eat food. If you thought others were bad at convincing me, you should hear myself. Because I suck.

That brings me to the comfort people try to offer. "When Ross is a doctor, you will have it made!" Have I mentioned this on the blog before? Or have I just thought about it a million times? Yes. Thank you person-who-has-no-idea-what-I-am-going-through. That is super helpful that SOMEDAY Ross will be out of school/ training! And after 8 years of school and 6 years of training he will have a job. That is so so so helpful to remind me of that. Maybe you could also remind me of how much money Ross pays every day to go to school? Or remind me the rate at which those loans are gaining interest? Or if you want something to sting a little closer to home you can remind me of how short I am falling on saving for Ross's residency application come this fall.

Because in the meantime I am perfectly content with crying over how I don't even have $20 for an oil change.