Charity and Choice

Last night as Ross and I were exiting the supermarket, we saw a guy who timidly asked us for "Anything, I'm just a couple bucks short."

I really have no rhyme or reason when it comes to panhandlers. Sometimes I give "generously" sometimes I give just a couple coins. Other times I might clearly say, "No, sorry," and other days I might ignore them all together and pretend they don't exist when they petition me. But for whatever reason, Ross and I each pulled out a dollar and gave it to him. I think it's a natural curiosity to wonder where he was going with it and we subconsciously watched him as we walked to our car. He walked at first then the closer he got out of the parking lot and to the road, he began running.

I joked to Ross about how creepy it would be if we followed him. Then we had a conversation on the way home about the situation.

In life, people want validation for their actions. When I make dinner I want Ross to thank me and say it is delicious. When I clean the house I want Ross to notice and say something. But when I do those things I benefit just as much as he does, so it isn't a big deal. When it comes to charity things are a little different. I see two groups of people. People who don't give, and rationalize their behavior about how they don't know where the money is going and express their doubts that the beneficiary will do something wrong with the money. OR people who give and talk about how they have changed the world and fed a family for the night, or helped someone put some gas in their car, or have heat for the night.

But I think both of those ideas of thinking are wrong. I have an ever growing list of things that are, "Not my job." And this is one. Because it isn't my job to worry about what he does with that money. Maybe he used it to buy $2 worth of drugs, or feed his little dog. I shouldn't care.

People have agency. And they will have agency whether they get two dollars after 12 hours of begging outside the store, or whether they steal it- they are free to make whatever choices they want. Just as I am free to give him the money or not. Ross said something like, " You can't worry about what they do, you can only worry about what you should be doing."

One of my favorite professors in college (who coincidentally is the uncle of one of my Grenada friends) said that his father had a motto, "Give until it hurts." This man always tried to do a great amount of good, constantly giving and helping others. But he became concerned that he wasn't doing enough because, "It didn't hurt yet."

I thought of how it is to feel the sting of giving up that two dollars. Being in med school and living off my salary is tough and we are constantly pinching pennies. I could have used that money to buy a loaf of bread, a bus trip, a dozen eggs, six bunches of cilantro, or even something as frivolous as a couple candy bars. I could have put that money to good use! But when it comes down to it, I doesn't hurt. And that means my life is pretty damn good.