Quote Wednesday? At a Time Like This?!

My life is just a little bit bizarre right now.

But that isn't out of the norm. The main reason I started and kept this blog so well (if I do say so myself) for so long was that I wanted to document things. I wanted my (almost) full range of emotions to be stored in a public space forever. Okay, so maybe not those last couple of things but yeah to the rest. It's nice to look back and not actually have to re-live so many of those moments again. It's like eating a Costco teriyaki bowl but someone took out those disgusting green beans (gag).

I'm currently staying with some friends who have only known me post-Grenada and post-California days. It's been fun to hang out and talk more. Grenada typically comes up and because it is such a strange and foreign thing- I jumped on the blog to show some pictures. Of course that led me to the rabbit hole of Grenada posts. Many many Grenada posts about so many things. I'm so happy I took all that time to document those strange tales and feelings. It reminds me that life is simultaneously lemons AND lemonade. It's not bad then good. Ugly then pretty. It's just life.

Ross and I have been racing around almost non-stop since March. Every weekend (and some weeks) we have been flying and driving all over. Life is locomotion. And I can't stop thinking that. Maybe because of this quote:

"Life is locomotion. If you're not moving you're not living. But there comes a time when you've got to stop running away from things and you've got to start running towards something. You've got to forge ahead. Keep moving. Even if your path isn't lit. Trust that you'll find your way." 

It's late and I'm not particularly interested in addressing the bits that call me out for running away from my problems #tooreal, but I love the quote. And that seems to be my style. I've gotten pretty good a forging ahead. Forging isn't a nice cute clear cut path. It's messy. It's chaotic. It's often rushed. But it implies importance and intention. And I like that. In life, sometimes it is all you can do to keep moving. Even when it is the hardest thing to do. Even when the path isn't lit. Because we just have to trust that we will find our way. Sometimes we find the way, sometimes we just keep forging. Maybe life isn't locomotion. Maybe we don't have any destinations.... but rather constant motion in a positive direction.

Tragedy.

My last couple of posts have been very much stream of conscience type posts. No in-depth editing or pretty photos (no photos at all, really). It’s the idea of maybe… getting something off my chest while simultaneously making a record of it. I didn't even really finish my last post. But it seems particularly relevant to what is on my mind right now. 

Being an adult is all the rage these days. You see all sorts of posts and articles and quizzes about "adulting." It's a weird thing, being a grown-up. I feel like it just sort of happens one day, with all these milestones in between that make it seem more real.

One of these milestones that has been on my mind lately is tragedy. When you're little, and even as a young adult, you feel invincible. Of course you suffer from crippling self-confidence and poor decision making skills, but overall I think there is a sense of freedom and invincibility that you can't appreciate until it is less present. When you're young true tragedy seems so distant and irrelevant. But as you get older, it seems everywhere. All around you. In the people you love the most, and even people you only barely know.

It might be the prevalence of social media. I'm not sure. But life seems to change quicker and quicker and it only takes an unsuspecting moment for everything to crumble away. It reminds me that every day, every moment, is a gift.

It sounds corny. But for once I'm not being sarcastic or hyperbolic. It wrenches my heart to see tragedy in the lives of so many people I know. I used to think it was so dramatic to hear "old" people say, "hold your loved ones close, you never know what might happen."

But maybe that is what growing up actually is. Becoming the people we always rolled our eyes at, and realizing they were right all along. And realizing that there is only so much that we can barely begin to understand in this big-wide-(sometimes tragic and sometimes beautiful)-world.

Floating

There have been times in my life when I felt like I was floating.

I'm not an artist, and I'm not even much of a doodler, but I remember exactly where I was in the summer of 2010 when I drew what it felt like. I was living in El Salvador, doing a summer internship for 3 months. It was a crazy experience for a number of reasons and I remember at the end of summer drawing a cartoon Kristen in an over-sized dish-soap-style bubble over a desert filled with threatening prickly cacti. I distinctly remember this crazy feeling of happiness, like it was too good to be true. The feeling of life being great but it all melting away any second, like an ice cube under the summer Sonoran sun.

And I'm not talking like, "Oh this is a fun weekend." I'm talking about the stuff dreams are made of. Moments when you forget you live in an imperfect world filled with responsibilities and tomorrows. Because the reality is that most days don't feel like that at all. Even the good ones.

I can remember other times since, in Grenada and Redlands, and here in Phoenix too. They are moments when life seems somehow suspended. When the happiness of the moment overtakes the uncertainty of the future, the bills of tomorrow, the sorrows of yesterday.

Hello Again

Also known as, "The Post Wherein Kristen Blogs Again and Divulges Her Darkest Secrets"

Obviously it has been a hot minute since I've been round these parts.

2017 honestly sucked a bit. 

And I can say that, because it is March now and I'm safely out of the biased, "Aww let's reminisce about past and future!" part of the new year/ January. 

In 2017 (which I may eventually post about) I started a new job, which turned into a full time+ endeavor that honestly, wreaked total havoc on my life.  There were lots of good times and fun adventures, to be sure, but it was also kind of a total s*** show. 

But anyways, let's get to the part where I tell you about my flaws and insecurities. 

Lately I have found myself increasingly anxious and irritated. I figured it was probably just because I work remote and get cabin fever being at home all day. I get sick of looking at my stupid apartment and stupid furniture and stupid everything. 

But after some thought, it dawned on me that there was likely a different contributing factor. 

My brain thinks it is time to move. Not in a metaphoric or athletic sense. My brain is trained to move at least every 2 years. Since I've been an adult, 2 years is the maximum time I have ever spent in one place. I really think my brain is ready to go through a Match, or otherwise receive a new assignment, then pack up my life and get going. 

But it's more than that. It's that I'm hungry for a fresh start. 

A few years ago this fear actually struck me, "What if I get so accustomed to moving around that I can't NOT move every couple years? What if I can never settle down?"

And here we are. So in the absence of assigned change (don't worry that comes next year). I am thinking I might make some updates to my current garage sale/thrift store/junkyard furniture. Stay tuned!